If you’re reading this, chances are that someone in your life recently told you they had experienced sexual harassment at work. It can be upsetting to learn about this and difficult to know what to say or how to react. Here are some suggestions for how to respond in a helping way.

If you find yourself doing this:

Avoiding them or changing the subject.

Try saying this instead:

I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here to listen.

If you find yourself saying this:

Sure, that sounds bad, but what were you doing to lead them on?

Try this instead:

You didn’t do anything to deserve this.

If you find yourself saying this:

I don’t know how to help you.

Try this instead:

It takes a lot of courage to talk about this. Thank you for trusting me.

If you find yourself saying this:

If I were you, I would have defended myself more.

Try this instead:

It’s hard to know how we’d react until we’re in the situation.

If you find yourself saying this:

This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t….

Try this instead:

You’re not to blame. What happened to you is not your fault.

If you find yourself saying this:

It’s not a big deal, this happens all the time.

Try this instead:

You’re not alone. Unfortunately, this happens way too often.

If you find yourself saying this:

I know exactly how you feel….

Try this instead:

How are you feeling?

If you find yourself saying this:

Well, what did you expect?

Try this instead:

No one deserves to be harassed at work.

If you find yourself saying this:

You know, what I think you need to do is….

Try this instead:

What do you need right now?

If you find yourself saying this:

How do you know that’s what they really meant?

Try this instead:

No matter what they meant, that was wrong.

If you find yourself saying this:

Maybe they were just flirting?

Try this instead:

What happened to you was wrong.

If you find yourself saying this:

Ugh, this is awkward.

Try this instead:

I’m sorry this happened to you.

If you find yourself saying this:

Tell me everything!

Try this instead:

Do you want to talk about it? You don’t need to tell me details unless you feel comfortable doing so.

If you find yourself saying this:

I’m calling the police!

Try this instead:

Do you want to report this to the police?

If you find yourself saying this:

Well, what’s going to happen? Are you going to quit? What if you lose your job? What if you can’t find a new job? Are you going to press charges? What does this all mean?

Try this instead:

This must be so overwhelming. Take some time. You don’t need to make any big decisions right away.

If you find yourself saying this:

What did you do to cause it?

Try this instead:

It’s not your fault.

If you find yourself saying this:

Oh, wow, I can’t believe it!

Try this instead:

I believe you.

If you find yourself saying this:

Are you sure?

Try this instead:

I believe you.

If you find yourself saying this:

Maybe you’re mistaken.

Try this instead:

I believe you.

If you find yourself saying this:

I really don’t think that could have happened.

Try this instead:

I believe you.

If you find yourself saying this:

But they’re such a nice person!

Try this instead:

I believe you.

If you find yourself saying this:

Are you exaggerating?

Try this instead:

I believe you.

If you find yourself saying this:

I’m sure they didn’t mean it.

Try this instead:

I believe you.

Most of the above responses are things people often think or say early on, when they are first told the news. If you said anything initially that you now regret, consider talking to the person and apologizing or clarifying what you meant.

It’s also helpful to consider how you can support the person over time. It is common for people to feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, scared, and upset for long periods. If you find yourself thinking any of the following…

  • Are you always going to feel this way?
  • When are you going to get over this?
  • Why can’t you just get over it?
  • These things happen all the time, but we can’t just cry about it.

…chances are that you’re thinking these things because it’s hard seeing this person going through pain and not knowing how to help them. You may be wanting to support them in moving forward and not know what to say.

It can be helpful to remember that, as difficult as it is for you to see this person struggling and in pain, it is much harder for the person who is going through this difficulty.

Instead of putting pressure on people to rush to feel happier, we urge you to be patient. Giving the person space and time to talk about their emotions allows them to move through how they feel and start to ultimately feel better. The exact length of time depends on each person.

Remember that one of the best ways you can help the person is by listening, without rushing them to feel differently.

Brené Brown on Empathy vs Sympathy

You can also ask the person what they need. Rather than make assumptions or tell the person what will help them, ask them directly. They may not always know, but it can still be helpful for them to know that you’re there for them and open to hearing how you can help them.

If you feel affected by the news of this person being sexually harassed, consider who else in your life can offer you emotional support. Likely the person who’s dealing with the sexual harassment needs to focus on their own needs at this moment. Instead, consider who else can help you. You can still respect their privacy, as you don’t necessarily need to tell your supports the details of what this other person experienced.