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After being sexually harassed, you may find yourself feeling grief and a sense of loss. This might feel strange and you might not even recognize what you’re feeling at first, because we often associate grief only with death and dying. But we can feel grief any time we experience a significant loss.

Here are some of the things you may feel that you’ve lost:

Trust in the person who harassed you.
Trust in your workplace or colleagues.
What you thought you knew about others.
What you thought you knew about yourself.
Faith or confidence in the justice system.
Safety or a feeling of being carefree.
The time you’ve spent trying to process what you’ve experienced.
Time spent struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout.
Dreams, future plans, or ideas of “what could have been.”
Comfort in your own body.
Your job or job stability.
Financial stability.
Trust in your own judgment.

This list isn’t complete. There may be other things that you have lost and are mourning.

It can be hard to know exactly what’s causing your feelings of grief. But you don’t need to pinpoint the exact reasons. It may be helpful just to be aware that you’ve experienced losses, and you may find that the shape of your grief changes and evolves as you come to terms with what’s happened to you.

It’s common for people to mistrust their grief. You may find yourself worrying that you are underreacting or overreacting. If you’re feeling this way, please know that it’s common. Grief is not a constant state. You likely will feel it more intensely at some points in your day and less intensely at others. When grief is at its most intense, you might feel like it’s a wave crashing over you or that you are falling into a dark pit of despair. At other times, your grief may feel manageable, slightly further away or smaller.

You may even feel a numbness, where it’s hard to feel anything. This is often a way your body can help you cope at a time when things might otherwise be overwhelming. When this occurs, it’s possible that your grief can come back up to the surface at a later time. There is no clear timeline for when, how, or how long you will feel grief.

Feelings of grief and loss can often bring up previous losses. Especially if those past experiences are still unresolved. If your grief feels “out of proportion” to the current situation, you may want to reflect on other times you have felt similarly. Your reaction may be partially due to what’s happening right now, but may also be partly due to what’s happened in your past. Understanding this can help to better make sense of and validate our reactions.

You may feel an urge to distract yourself or pretend it’s not happening. You might find yourself thinking, “If I don’t think about it or don’t talk about it, then it’s not happening.” The reality, though, is that ignoring or suppressing your grief tends to make it stay around longer.

You may notice an increase in other behaviours, including distracting yourself with food, substance use, gambling, shopping or other activities that temporarily divert or hide how you’re feeling. This is very common and understandable. But you may want to keep an eye on it, to ensure that attempts to distract yourself don’t start to cause other difficulties in your life.

The truth is, as tempting as it may be to ignore or block your feelings of grief, those attempts don’t help you heal or recover. In fact, trying to suppress the grieving process can ultimately cause more harm.

What could help

It can be important to give yourself space and time to feel your emotions. While you’re doing that, try to be kind to yourself and try to refrain from judging yourself for how you feel.

Try to avoid minimizing what you’re feeling. Depending on your experiences, you may find yourself wanting to dismiss what you’ve been through or the grief you feel. Remember that, although no one has died, there has been a substantial loss (or losses) and that can justify an emotional reaction of grief.

Talk to someone supportive about what you’re experiencing. Try to pick someone who is able to listen without trying to change how you feel or rush you to feel better. It can help to tell the person directly how they can best help you. Often saying things like, “I don’t need you to solve this for me, I just need you to listen,” can be helpful.

Rest. The act of grieving is exhausting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. On the outside it may look like you’re not doing that much, but internally you are doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Grieving requires you to come to terms with how the world looks after you’ve experienced that loss. This is a big task that can take a lot of energy and time. Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Although learning that there are multiple forms of rest may sound overwhelming at first, remember that not all of these forms of rest require time; some instead are a change in your perspective.

The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it | Saundra Dalton-Smith MD | TEDxAtlanta

Know that there’s a difference between rest and distraction. Although distraction has a place in all of our lives, it does not provide the same benefits as rest. Pay attention to how much time you zone out and lose track of time. As well, notice how you feel after the activity. If you’re spending a lot of time binge-watching TV, checking social media, or playing video games, pay attention to how you’re feeling before and after. Sometimes it can feel good, or even necessary, to distract ourselves while we’re doing it, and then once it’s over we are back to feeling upset and overwhelmed. If your experience is like that, it might be worth considering other activities that might make you feel better.

While we’re grieving, it’s important to let go of previous standards. Try to be patient with yourself. It’s possible that before all of this happened, you were able to work longer or handle more things at once. You can prioritize what needs to happen and let yourself off the hook for the other things.

Maybe a paid leave is possible—talk to your workplace or your union about whether you might be able to get time to concentrate on your healing process.

It can help to write or create. Find a way to express yourself through journalling, art, dance, singing, or other expressions. You don’t need to be artistic or creative to do this, because you don’t need to create anything good! What’s important is the act of expressing yourself, not the final result.

Check in with yourself about the emotions that may be underneath the grief. Pay attention to what is coming up for you.

Try to avoid “should” statements. Often these statements are expectations we or others have for us about how we should be feeling. Grief is very unique and very personal. Even when two people experience the same loss, their reactions can still be different because they are unique. Rather than judge yourself for how you are feeling, try to notice what emotions are coming up and what this tells you about what you need.

Consider reading other people’s stories. Hearing other people who have had similar experiences can be a helpful way to put into words some of what you’ve gone through.

Please remember that all people have a natural ability to adapt to loss. As difficult or painful as it may be, you are resilient and you can make it through this. Ask yourself what you need. Sometimes it’s to take things slowly, sometimes it’s to push yourself to get something done. Trust yourself.

It’s really common for us to respond to sexual harassment by feeling shocked.

The first thing you need to know is that’s not your fault. The person who sexually harassed you may have actually deliberately done things to make you believe you could trust them and were safe, even though it wasn’t true.

Some of the things you may be thinking:

I can’t believe this happened.
I’m probably misremembering what happened.
Nothing happened.
I don’t know why I’m upset.
What just happened?
Am I sure that just happened?
I can’t believe this happened again.
I’m fine, this didn’t really bother me.

Why do we feel this way? It’s not that you’re wrong about what actually happened. It’s shock, confusion, and disbelief, and it’s very, very common.

These reactions are often made worse by the reactions of other people, when you tell them what happened to you. Often, people hearing about sexual harassment question or challenge the person who is telling them about it.

Even people who care about you and want you to be safe may disbelieve you at first. This is not because you are to blame or because your story is not true.

So, why do other people and even we question, doubt, or deny the sexual harassment? Partly because it’s easier to not believe it. Given the choice between accepting that something awful has happened or thinking that someone is mistaken, exaggerating, or lying, much of the time our brains opt to deny that something awful has happened.

Let’s unpack what that struggle looks like.

When someone is sexually harassed, their first reaction is usually surprise. Surprise is quick: It only lasts a few seconds or a few moments. Then shock can set in. You’re left feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and unable to think clearly. It can have physical effects, too—trembling, a racing heart, crying, difficulty breathing, and sudden drops or spikes in your blood pressure.

It can be hard to recognize when you are experiencing shock. If there are people around you who you trust, it may be helpful to ask them if you seem like you’re in shock. If you’re not sure, it might be safest to assume you are.

The other thing that can make this a confusing experience is the timing. Some people experience shock during or immediately after the harassment, whereas for others it can be delayed by hours, days, or even weeks. It’s actually common for people to feel calm or indifferent during a scary or overwhelming situation like sexual harassment. Your brain may be waiting until it feels safe again before it can acknowledge the strong emotions. This can be a helpful survival strategy, but it can also be really confusing, because you may feel like you’re coping just fine, only to feel overcome later.

If you think of emotions like alarms that can go off, this delayed reaction is almost like hitting the “snooze” button when you’re in crisis. This can be really helpful at a time that’s overwhelming or unsafe. However, we can’t necessarily choose how long the emotion alarm is snoozed. It can come back hours, days, weeks, or even months later.

Please be patient with yourself over the weeks and months following sexual harassment. You may feel strong emotional reactions at a later time, especially if your initial reaction is numbness.

What can help

Initially, when you’re experiencing shock, it can be very helpful to focus on your basic physiological needs. This includes drinking water, eating healthy foods, resting your body, and regulating your temperature (you may feel cold and shiver, or you may feel overly hot and sweaty). If you know you’re experiencing shock, or if you’re not sure but you may be in shock, it is important to be careful—try to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery, because you may be distracted and/or your reaction time is likely reduced.

Important

Medical shock can be life-threatening. It is important to call 911 or go immediately to the hospital if you pass out, or if your blood pressure suddenly drops. You should also seek medical help if the feelings of shock continue or if they interfere with your ability to function.

It’s probably a good idea to hold off on making any major decisions. This can be hard if you are thinking about something big like leaving your job. If you’re unsure about deciding while feeling some level of shock, consider talking to someone you trust to help you figure out what will be best for you. It can also be helpful to give yourself a bit of time before making a decision if it’s possible. Sometimes, even giving yourself the night to “sleep on it” can be very helpful.
Taking deep breaths can help a lot. If you are having a hard time doing this, rather than taking a deep breath in, begin by trying to breath out as much as you can. Imagine you are totally emptying your lungs. Your body will then instinctively breathe back in. Count to, say, three as you inhale, three as you hold your breath, and then three as you exhale. The exact number of seconds is not important, so long as you feel physically comfortable and are getting enough oxygen.
Think about writing out what you’ve experienced. Even if you don’t use this for legal or reporting purposes, recording some of the main facts about the sexual harassment can be helpful for your own sake to remember what happened and believe in yourself. Some people do this immediately after it’s happened, while others may need time before they feel able to do this.
Remember that surprise can amplify other emotions. At times, when something is unexpected, other feelings you may have at the time (like anger, sadness, hurt, fear) may be stronger. When possible, give yourself time to adjust before acting on these other emotions.
It’s really important to talk to people who validate your experiences. If you’re telling someone you trust and they make comments that suggest they don’t believe you, it’s okay to coach them. You can say things like “I need you to believe me” or “I need you to listen without asking questions.” If you don’t have people in your life who are able to validate your experiences, consider calling a helpline or talking to a professional who has experience supporting people who have experienced sexual harassment.
Remember to trust yourself. Even if you’re not responding how you’d expect, know that it can often take time before you’re able to recognize all of the feelings you have in response to the sexual harassment. Trust your perspective. Trust your memory. Trust your feelings.

Important

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to wrap your mind around what happened. Consider journalling, drawing, or other ways to express yourself, your feelings, and your experiences.

How sexual harassment is a form of betrayal

If you’ve been sexually harassed at work, you’ve been betrayed in at least two ways:

Canada has decided it is not okay to sexually harass people. When someone harassed you, they broke that agreement.
Canada has decided employers are responsible for providing their employees with a workplace where they won’t get harassed. By not doing that, your employer broke that agreement.

Here are some other agreements we’ve made as a society that sometimes get broken when it comes to harassment. Some we all agree with, and others are more fragile.

We’ve agreed that sexual contact with other people is only okay if everybody involved wants it and agrees to it.
We’ve agreed it’s not okay to treat someone differently at work just because of their gender.
An employer is supposed to have protections against sexual harassment in the workplace.
When somebody is harassed at work, their employer is supposed to take the problem seriously and try to fix it.
When someone tells us they’ve been harassed, we’re supposed to believe them, unless there’s some reason not to.
When someone is harassed, we’re supposed to understand that the problem is the person doing the harassment, not the person who told us about it.
When someone is attacked or abused, we’re not supposed to judge or blame them.
When people seek help from institutions like the police or the health care system, those institutions have a responsibility to try to help.
When people seek justice from the legal system, they should get it.
Everybody deserves fairness and equal treatment.

How being betrayed makes us feel

When people or institutions betray us by breaking the agreements we’ve made, here are some ways we may find ourselves feeling.

I can’t believe this is happening.
This is so confusing. Why are people acting this way?
I can’t believe nobody is helping me.
I feel so let down.
I feel like I’ve been so naive.
How could I have been so stupid?
I thought I could count on them, but I can’t.
How can people be so awful?
I knew I couldn’t trust them.
I knew nobody would help me.
This is not a surprise to me at all. This is exactly what I expected.
What a bunch of lies they’ve told me.
This sucks.

We’re going to help you sort through those feelings.

If you feel surprised, weird, confused, or unsure

This kind of reaction is common, and it happens when the situation feels complicated.

It may happen if the person who harassed you has done things in the past to help you, is respected in your community, or is kind to other people.

It may happen if the person is very powerful, or if you are (or have been) dependent on them.

It may happen if the people around you look up to the harasser, or value or respect them, or are afraid of them or dependent on them.

In those circumstances, it can be harder for you to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Because, if you did, you might feel like you need to confront the person, which might not be safe or okay. You might lose the support of people who are important to you. You might cause upset and division inside a group you care about.

In those circumstances, it may be easier, or it may feel necessary, to pretend you weren’t betrayed at all.

When we ignore or downplay a betrayal we’ve experienced, this is called betrayal blindness.

We experience betrayal blindness because we need it. It was—or is—necessary for us to deny the truth of what happened to us so that we could feel safe.

If you’re starting to become aware that you’ve been betrayed, that may be because the evidence of your betrayal has become overwhelming and undeniable. Or it may mean that you have reached a place in your life where now you can feel safe enough to acknowledge what really happened.

You might find yourself cycling in and out of acceptance. You might find things easy to accept on some days, and then on a different day you may find yourself downplaying or denying what happened.

That just means you are still figuring things out. Please know that this is common, and try to be patient with yourself.

If you feel angry, let down, or disappointed

These feelings can help you make sense of what happened. They are a signal telling you who you trusted and who let you down.

Depending on what happened to you, you might feel let down by many people or groups:

the person who harassed you
your boss
other senior people at your work
HR
your co-workers
your family or friends
your professional community
the police
health care professionals
the legal system
your community
your entire nation

The more people or groups that betrayed you, the more let down you may feel. If you’ve been betrayed by entire institutions or systems, that can leave you feeling very alone and vulnerable. It can shake your ideas about the world you live in and make you rethink things you used to believe.

As you grapple with this, you may find yourself feeling like your eyes have been opened. You may feel like, until now, you have been childish, naïve, and overly trusting. You may feel like you are growing up. You may feel a sense of grief and loss.

If you don’t feel surprised

What if your trust was broken long ago? We’re supposed to live in a society that is fair and just. What if that was never true for us?

If we’re Indigenous and/or racialized, we may have seen or experienced discrimination since we were very young.
If we’re 2SLGBTQIA+, we may have been harassed or abused because of it, including when we were a child or a teenager.
Maybe we watched our mother struggle with sexism or harassment.
Maybe we have seen—or personally experienced—other forms of harassment or abuse or violence, at work, in school, or in our community or family.

And maybe in those situations, the people who were supposed to fix the problem didn’t.

If we lost trust long ago, it’s hard to feel a sense of betrayal today. Instead, when people let us down, we may just feel numb or cynical. We may just feel confirmed in what we already know—that the system is broken, things are unfair, and there is no justice.

If this is true for you, you may find it very hard to trust other people. You may have decided you can only trust people like you. Or you may feel like you can’t trust anybody at all.

What to do about these feelings

It’s important to be able to tell our stories of betrayal, because telling them can help us make sense of what happened and understand it better.

This is a process. It doesn’t happen right away or all at once.

It can help to tell your story just to yourself. Just writing it down can help. It can help to make art out of it, like a song or a drawing.

You may find yourself wanting to tell other people. That may feel risky because, if they react the wrong way, that could confuse you and muddy things up.

When you’re thinking about who is safe to tell, here are some questions you might ask yourself.

Can I be honest and real with this person?
After I talk with this person, do I usually feel better or worse?
Does this person seem to really understand me?
Does being with this person usually make me feel stronger and more confident?
Has my relationship with this person helped me to grow as a person?

If you tell your story to someone and their reaction starts to make you feel worse about yourself, or less clear about what happened, it may make sense to stop. It may not be possible for that person, right now, to listen in a way that’s helpful for you.

Know that your story may change over time, and that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It just means you are still figuring it out.

Look for opportunities to rebuild trust. Not necessarily with the people who hurt you, but perhaps with others. Pay attention to ways in which people can earn your trust. This will look different for each person. Give yourself time to reflect and decide what you need to feel safe again.

Allow yourself to change your expectations without going to all-or-nothing thinking. Notice when you are using words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “no one.” Often these words show up when we are seeing the world from the extremes. If you find yourself thinking, “Nobody cares about me” or “Everyone is dangerous,” remember that there are exceptions to those statements.

Give yourself time to see the world in a new light. Often when we experience significant betrayal, it can change our overall perspective on the world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can take time for you to adjust to this change in perspective.

Know that this is hard work, and be patient with yourself.

While you’re doing this work, it can help to do other things that bring beauty and joy into your life. Music and other forms of art can help, as well as religion, spirituality, and being in the outdoors. Baking or cooking helps some people, swimming helps others. Caring for pets can help, and so can meals with friends.

Welcome to the new you

Betrayal has reshaped your world.

You have been let down, and you have suffered losses.

Maybe that led you to want to withdraw from other people and to reject the idea of depending on anyone. Maybe it feels hard, or even impossible, to trust.

But betrayal is not just loss. Coming to terms with betrayal can inspire you to rethink how you see the world, and can help you find your way to new values, new beliefs, new behaviours, and new loyalties.

You may want to consider these statements.

I want to be able to be honest and real.
I want to feel uplifted.
I want to feel close.
I want to be understood.
I want to be able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts.
I want to feel capable of positive change.
I want to grow in important ways.
I want to feel a sense of belonging.
I want to be supported.
If something is bothering me, I want to be asked about it.
I want to be free to be myself.
I want to not feel like I need to hide parts of myself.
I want to be seen and appreciated.
I want to be curious about what comes next.
I want to be inspired.

Several of these things can come from yourself and self-reflection. Some rely on our connection and trust with others. This trust can take time to establish and is worth pursuing.

Betrayal brings with it a profound new awareness.

You may feel shaken and sobered by what you have learned.

But betrayal, despite how awful it can be, may open up for you new possibilities for intimacy and growth. For safety, loyalty, freedom, and inspiration.

You may still be figuring out how to get there, and that’s okay. You’re on your way.

Important

This is just general information, not legal advice. If you need legal advice about your specific situation, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

There is no single legal definition for sexual harassment. But it’s generally defined as something like this: unwanted behaviour related to a person’s sex or gender that may harm, offend, or humiliate the person who is being harassed.

Under Canadian laws, sexual harassment is prohibited. People have the right not to be sexually harassed at work, and employers have an obligation to provide a workplace that’s free of harassment. Everybody has a responsibility to not sexually harass other people.

Who gets sexually harassed the most?

Most people who get sexually harassed are women. Otherwise, the people who get sexually harassed don’t have much in common.

Sexual harassment happens to people of all ages.
It happens to people no matter what they look like.
It happens to people no matter how they dress.
It happens to people no matter how they behave.

Do some kinds of people get harassed more than others?

Yes. Harassers tend to choose:

people who are new to a workplace
people who are new to an industry
racialized people
people with disabilities
people who are 2SLGBTQIA+
immigrants and refugees
people who have less workplace power than the harasser does

Sexual harassment happens in all kinds of workplaces and industries. But there are some where it’s more common than others:

workplaces where there are lots of men and very few women
service-sector jobs, especially bars and restaurants
jobs where you work alone with a man
jobs where you work in somebody’s home

Sexual harassment thrives in organizations that have a preponderance of men, turn a blind eye to bad behavior, neglect respect and fairness, and/or promote dysfunctional masculinity contests.
Lilia M. Cortina, professor of psychology, Women’s and Gender Studies, University of Michigan.
Maira A. Areguin, graduate student, Joint Program in Women’s and Gender Studies and Personality & Social Contexts, University of Michigan.
“Putting People Down and Pushing Them Out: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace.“

Some common examples of sexual harassment

Someone is hugging or touching you without your consent.
Someone is asking you out repeatedly or is sexually propositioning you.
Someone is invading your personal space or staring at you in a sexual way.
Someone is talking about you, or to you, in a sexual way.
Someone is displaying or showing or sending you sexual imagery.
Someone is sharing sexual images of you with other people.
Someone is making sexual jokes to you or in front of you.
Someone is trying to make you behave in a more feminine or masculine way.
Someone is making fun of the way you look or act because it doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes.
Someone is using gender-based slurs about you or in front of you.
Someone is spreading rumours about your sex, sexual behaviour, gender identity, or gender expression.
Someone is asking you questions about your sex, sexual behaviour, gender identity, or gender expression.
Someone is withholding job-related information from you, or is making it difficult in some other way for you to do your job because of your sex, gender identity, or gender expression.
Someone is making you feel not accepted, or unsafe, because of your sex, gender identity, or gender expression.

Before we start, we want to warn you: Reading this article may make you mad, because some of what we’re going to tell you is pretty depressing.

Now that you’ve been warned, let’s begin.

What happens if you decide to report the harassment

This is the high-risk choice. Reporting can really hurt your career. We hate saying that, but it’s true, and you need to know it.

If you have a great employer, reporting may go fine. Your employer may act quickly and with sensitivity to protect you and the workplace.

But that’s not what usually happens. For many people, reporting is a really bad experience.

I just felt really belittled, just the whole interview was not very pleasant. I ended up being really emotional and I actually thought of quitting right away.
Former museum tour guide, describing how she felt after being interviewed by HR at her former employer, following her complaint of sexual harassment

I was warned that I was being a problem, that I was the only person to ever complain about this instructor, that if I continued I would likely find that other schools would hear about me being a problem and that I would probably be failed out of my program. I am still stunned by how quickly I have gone from being a valued student in my program to being an outcast.
Unnamed law student who complained about sexual harassment by her instructor, as quoted in Going Public: A Survivor’s Journey from Grief to Action, by Julie Macfarlane

You get witch-hunted, you get scapegoated, you become the troublesome uppity woman; you become the woman who does not fit.
Anonymous department head, who sued her employer for constructive dismissal and won, quoted in Complaint!, by Sarah Ahmed

Here’s what it looks like when things go badly.

The person you report to may be awkward and uncomfortable

The person you report to may feel like you’re burdening them with extra work or wasting their time on something that’s not really important.

They may feel scared because they know there are laws they’re supposed to follow, and they could get in trouble if they mess up. They may not know exactly what they’re allowed to say or do, and they may need to spend a lot of time documenting your conversations and checking in with HR or lawyers about how to handle things.

That can make them awkward and uncomfortable about the whole thing.

People at your workplace may gossip about you and judge you

Your report is supposed to be kept as confidential as possible. But to investigate, your employer will probably need to talk with the harasser and anyone who might have seen the harassment. They may also need to talk about it with bosses and HR.

It’s not uncommon for basically everybody at your work to find out that you made a report. When that happens, instead of empathizing and feeling bad for you, the people will often empathize instead with the harasser. They often see the harasser as being attacked out of nowhere and unjustly accused. They decide that you misunderstood or are exaggerating what happened, and they worry that the harasser will be unfairly punished.

Meanwhile, they may judge you harshly. They may blame you for handling things badly, for causing trouble and disruption, and for forcing them to “pick a side” between you and the harasser.

The whole thing is made worse by the fact that people aren’t allowed to talk openly about it, because it’s supposed to be confidential. That leaves a lot of space for gossip and rumours.

The harasser may try to ruin your reputation

Once the harasser knows you reported them, it’s very likely they will try to defend themselves by trash-talking you, and getting their friends to do it too.

They’ll try to paint you as an untrustworthy liar. They may say you made up the harassment for personal reasons, or to distract from the fact that you’re bad at your job. It’s really common for them to claim you have a drinking problem, or that you’re mentally ill.

People may decide you’re a troublemaker, and start to treat you badly

Your boss’s interactions with you, which might previously have been warm and friendly, might start to get stiff and uncomfortable. Your boss might punish you for reporting. You might get fewer shifts, or less attractive assignments. (These punishments are called reprisals and they’re so common we wrote an entire article about them.)

Your co-workers might stop helping you. They might be less willing to trade shifts with you, or teach you something you don’t know how to do. They may start to ice you out socially.

People may stop sharing opportunities with you, like jobs you might be eligible for, or opportunities for overtime or special projects.

The whole thing may snowball, and start to really hurt your career

People may stop talking about you positively. They may describe you as difficult, negative, toxic, and hard to work with. If someone asks about you, they might raise an eyebrow or make a face.

Your career may start to stall or falter. You don’t get promoted; maybe you actually get demoted. People assume it’s because you’re bad at your job.

The gossip and judgment may start to spill out past your own organization. People in your work network become less friendly. You get fewer invitations, and people start to treat you with less respect. If you start to job hunt, it may go less well than you’d expect.

All this makes you enjoy work less and start to feel bad about your career. You get mad at people who aren’t supporting you. You start taking more sick days, or turning up late, or withdrawing from work social activities you used to enjoy. You start performing less well. You might end up getting fired, or leaving on bad terms.

Who gets hurt the most by reporting

Reporting is risky for anyone. But for some people, the risk is extra high.

We’re going to take some time to unpack this, because we think it’s really important.

Reporting may be extra likely to hurt your career if you:

work at a small company
work in a majority-male workplace
are being harassed by a customer
are new to your industry or employer
don’t have a lot of friends at work
do work where success is hard to measure
are racialized, especially if you’re Black or Indigenous
are 2SLGBTQIA+
are in your 20s or early 30s

The more of those boxes you tick, the more likely it is that reporting sexual harassment will mess up your career.

Here’s why.

A small company may handle your report badly

Small workplaces can be extra bad at handling reports, because managers there are less likely to understand the law and to have solid legal and HR support. If your workplace is small, it’s also more likely that the person responsible for stopping the harassment may know and be friends with the harasser. (On the flip side though, some small workplaces handle harassment really well. If the person in charge takes harassment seriously or likes you personally, they may be extra-decisive and take immediate action.)

A majority-male workplace may handle your report badly

Majority-male workplaces—like mining and gas, construction, policing, the military, science, engineering, or technology—have higher levels of sexual harassment. If harassment is generally tolerated at your workplace, it’s less likely your report will be handled well.

If you’re being harassed by a customer, your report may be handled badly

Your employer may be reluctant to protect you against a customer if doing that might cost the company money. (The hospitality industry is especially notorious for tolerating high levels of harassment.) And when it’s a customer harassing you, your employer may not even be clear about what they’re legally allowed, or required, to do.

If you’re new to your industry or employer, reporting may go badly for you

That’s because when you’re new, you have less power. People haven’t known you long enough to have learned to trust you. Plus, because you’re new, you might not understand things well yet—like, who at your work you can trust.

If you don’t have a lot of friends at work, reporting may go badly for you

This is bad news for introverts and people who like to keep their work and social lives separate. If people are gossiping about you at work, friends can defend you. They can also give you a heads-up so you can protect yourself. If you don’t have friends, you’re more vulnerable.

If you do work where success is hard to measure, reporting may go badly for you

In some jobs success can be easily measured by dollars or speed or accuracy. But in most, measuring success is hard. If that’s true for you, it makes it easier for your boss to punish you by saying your work is bad, even if it’s not.

If you’re racialized and work in a majority-white environment, reporting may go badly for you

The research says that when racialized people in majority-white workplaces report harassment, their co-workers often decide they are being ungrateful and disloyal. This is especially true if you’re Black or Indigenous, because Black and Indigenous people are already stereotyped as being angry or resentful, and reporting can activate those stereotypes.

If you’re 2SLGBTQIA+ in a non-2SLGBTQIA+ workplace, reporting may go badly for you

Like with racialized people, when 2SLGBTQIA+ people report harassment, other people see them as ungrateful and disloyal. It’s also common for 2SLGBTQIA+ people—especially trans women, nonbinary/gender-fluid people, bisexual people, and gay men—to be stereotyped as overly dramatic, seeking out trouble, dishonest, or untrustworthy, which means people may trust your report less.

If you’re in your twenties or early thirties, reporting may go badly for you

The younger you are, the less likely it is that your report will be taken seriously. It’s a credibility issue. If you’re older, and have decades of work experience, it’s harder for people to say you’re confused or misunderstanding what’s happening. It’s also a power thing. If you’re young, you’re unlikely to have much workplace power yet, and so it’s easier for people to ignore your report.

What happens if you stay at work without reporting

This is definitely the safer choice for your career. People know that, and it’s why so few people report.

But it’s not entirely without risk.

If you decide to stay at work and try to cope with the harassment without reporting it, here’s how that can hurt your career.

You may feel like you need to change things at work—your shifts, your projects, your work habits—to avoid the harasser. Those decisions might be bad for your career. (Like, for example, if you decide you can’t work late alone anymore, or you can’t take on a particular project.)
You may find yourself distracted at work, because you’re worrying about the harassment or trying to avoid the harasser.
You may find yourself withdrawing socially at work, to avoid spending time with the harasser.
If it’s your boss who’s harassing you, they may punish you for resisting the harassment. They might give you fewer shifts or less attractive assignments. They might start saying you’re doing a bad job, even if you’re not.
You might get edgy, nervous, or irritable at work, and that could hurt your reputation.

But here’s the main way your career can get hurt.

If the harassment goes on long enough, or is severe enough, your mental, emotional, and physical health can start to suffer in ways that hurt your ability to do your job.

That’s actually pretty common. Some people wake up one morning completely unable to go to work and are unable to work for weeks or months or even years. It creeps up on them. They think they’re coping fine, and then one day they realize they aren’t. You don’t want that to happen to you.

What happens if you quit your job

If you’re being harassed at work, quitting your job can be great for your career. We hate saying this because you shouldn’t have to quit—but it’s true.

Quitting gets you away from the harassment, and you avoid any damage to your reputation. Nobody trash-talks you, nobody judges you, nobody punishes you. You can get a good reference, and people will talk about you positively after you leave. That’s great for your career and it’s an excellent reason to quit.

But we need to warn you: When people quit their job to get away from harassment, it usually doesn’t go that well for them. It’s very common, in fact, for people to end up taking a new job that’s worse than their old one. People often spend time unemployed, or underemployed. Some never get their career back on track.

It’s a big topic, so we wrote a whole article about it.

The takeaway

The research says that, when people get sexually harassed at work, their career is very likely to suffer. Lots of people end up with their careers permanently damaged.

We want to pause for a minute to acknowledge how unfair that is.

You were minding your own business, doing your job, and somebody decided to harass you. The idea that you should pay a price for that, that your career should end up getting hurt? That really sucks. It’s not fair and we’re sorry.

The good news is there are things you can do to protect yourself. Read our article How to protect your career.

When you’re being sexually harassed at work, there are a million things you could do. But they all boil down to one big decision.

You’re going to do one of these three things:

stay at work without making a formal complaint
formally report what’s happening to someone in a position of authority
quit your job and get a new one

Before we dive into the pros and cons of each choice, we want to tell you something important.

You are probably going to make the right decision.

How do we know that?

We’ve surveyed hundreds of people who’ve been sexually harassed. We’ve talked with dozens more. We’ve read hundreds, maybe thousands, of people’s stories on social media and in books and articles and academic studies.

We’ve learned that people handle sexual harassment in all kinds of different ways. We’ve also learned that most people end up feeling good about what they decided to do.

People may have regrets. But they don’t often regret how they handled the harassment. What they tend to regret is the amount of time they had to spend researching and worrying and agonizing before they could make a decision.

Our goal with this article is to give you information so you can evaluate your options. We want to help you shortcut through the worrying and agonizing phase, so you can move forward more quickly and with confidence.

So here we go. Here are your options.

Option 1: Stay at work and try to cope

This is what most people do, at least in the beginning, at least for a while.

Some don’t tell anyone what’s happening, but quietly take steps to try to keep themselves safe. Some use a whisper network to warn other people. Some talk directly with the harasser to try to make them stop. Some complain informally to their boss. Some try to ignore the harassment and instead stay focused on their own career and their own goals.

Why try to stay at work and cope?

If the harassment is relatively mild and doesn’t repeat, this can be a really good strategy. You get to keep your job, and nothing really changes for you work-wise.

Why not do it?

There’s always a risk the harassment will escalate and you could end up seriously hurt.

Even if that doesn’t happen, if the harassment is severe or lasts a long time, it can really hurt you. And we need to warn you: The damage isn’t always obvious at the time.

Harassment—especially when it’s severe or goes on for a really long time—can cause you all kinds of problems. It can make you enjoy your job less. It can distract you from your work in ways that make you less good at your job. It can make you anxious. It can lead you to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. You can end up feeling betrayed, suspicious, and cynical about people. And if your job requires you to fake being okay with the harassment (like, if you need to laugh along with people’s “jokes,” or put up with slurs, or being touched, or repeatedly propositioned, or asked invasive questions)—well, that can really wear you down.

It’s also not fair. You deserve a job that’s free of harassment. You shouldn’t have to just suck it up and try to cope with it by yourself.

Staying at work is what people do if the harassment seems too mild to bother quitting or reporting, or if the job is just short term and they’re leaving soon anyway.

People also do it if they feel like they have no choice. If they don’t believe reporting will do any good, and they don’t want to find another job, or can’t—well, in those circumstances people will often try to stay and make their current job work.

For some people this works out fine.

But it’s risky. Some people do this, and then realize years or even decades later that the cumulative effects of the harassment were actually really grinding away at their mental health and their happiness—much more so than they realized at the time. Many do eventually choose to quit or report, and some wish they had done it sooner.

Option 2: Report the harassment

We’re using the word “report” here to mean making a formal complaint. Workplace sexual harassment is illegal, and so if you complain about it to a person in a position of authority, they are supposed to make it stop.

Depending on your situation, there are lots of different ways to make a complaint. You can go to the police. You can make a formal report to your employer. You can complain to your union. You can complain to a human rights body. You can take your employer to court. You can go public.

Why report?

In theory, this is the most obvious thing to do. You should be able to report the harassment, and then somebody should step in and make it stop.

Why not report?

Because often it just doesn’t work out the way it’s supposed to, and in fact it can actually create new, worse problems for you.

If you have a good employer, reporting can work out fine. You tell someone, they make the harassment stop, and that’s the end of it.

But that’s not what usually happens.

Often, what actually happens is that you make the report and end up getting labelled as a troublemaker or a problem because of it. People at your workplace react as though the real problem isn’t the harassment, but you, the person reporting it. (Yeah, we know. This sucks.) You end up getting punished. Your employer starts treating you badly, or fires you.

Some people, if they aren’t satisfied with how their employer handled their report, will carry it further—for example, by filing a complaint with a human rights body, or by taking their employer to court. These are expensive, slow processes, and researchers say they can be really hard on your mental health.

Who reports?

Two kinds of people. People who believe their employer will handle the report well. And people who believe the harassment is so serious that they must report it, even though they don’t think it will get handled well.

That’s not very many people.

Researchers have conducted hundreds of studies and surveys in Canada and other countries, going back to the 1970s, and they’ve all found the same thing: Most workplace sexual harassment is never formally reported. That’s always been true, and it’s still true today, even in the post-#MeToo era.

The people who report tend to be older. Even though harassment is most common in your twenties and early thirties, U.S. data finds that the average age of a person who reports is 47. Some researchers think that’s because older people are more likely to know how to report, or to be in a position where they think they can report and not get punished for it. Others think it’s because older people are just more fed up and angry, because they’ve been experiencing harassment for such a long time.

Researchers say that people who report harassment—and especially those who do it publicly—tend to do it for moral reasons. They’re furious. They don’t necessarily think reporting will do any good. They just feel like morally they have no choice.

Option 3: Quit your job

Lots of people end up quitting their job to get away from harassment. One study found that, two years after being harassed, four out of five people were working somewhere else.

Some people actually quit their entire industry. If you work in a harassment-heavy industry —like hospitality, or a majority-male environment like policing, construction, or software development—well, you might want to just get out of it. You might feel like you’d be better off in an industry where you don’t have to deal with being harassed all the time.

Why quit your job?

Because it works. Quitting your job is the fastest and most effective way to end the harassment. It gets you away from the harasser, and away from an unhealthy work environment. You may end up in a new job—or even a whole new career—where you don’t get harassed any more.

Why not quit your job?

Because you shouldn’t have to. You should be able to pick your work based on other reasons, like what jobs are available, what you’re good at, and what you enjoy doing. You shouldn’t have to pick your job based on how likely you are to be harassed while doing it.

Another bad thing about quitting: It can be surprisingly bad for you financially. The study that said it was common for people to have a new job after being harassed? It found that, in their new jobs, all those people were making less money.

Who quits their job?

People who aren’t very attached to their current job and can easily get another one. People who’ve been harassed for a long time, or are experiencing really severe harassment, and can’t find a way to make it stop. People who don’t want to report what’s happening, because they don’t trust their employer to handle it well.

So that’s it. Those are your options.

We want to say again: We believe you are going to handle this fine. You know yourself and your situation. You can trust yourself to handle this in the way that’s best for you.

We want to say one more thing: Sometimes when we talked with people, they told us they felt guilty about how they handled being harassed. They felt like they had made the right choice for them, but they felt bad that they didn’t do something that was “brave” or that would help other people. Some people said they felt pressure to “stand up for themselves” and “fight back,” and they felt bad they didn’t do that.

If you’re feeling that way, we urge you, please, to let it go.

All the choices are brave. Every decision is honourable.

If you need the permission of strangers on the internet telling you it’s okay to do what’s right for you, we are here to enthusiastically give you that permission.

We urge you to centre your own needs and interests and hopes and dreams and goals.

We urge you to make the decision that’s best for you.

Important

If you’re considering quitting your job, we urge you to talk with a lawyer first. A lawyer can help you figure out whether there’s a way to get your employer to pay you money to make up for the harassment.

Why quit your job

That’s easy. Quitting is the fastest and simplest way to stop the harassment and get out of an unhealthy workplace. It immediately reduces the risk that something really bad will happen to you. It’s the fastest way to shut down the whole problem and get on with your life.

Why not quit your job

Because you shouldn’t have to. Why should you have to leave your job, just because someone decided to harass you?

Who quits their job to get away from harassment

Mostly it’s two types of people. People who do work where it’s normal to change jobs a lot, or people who are facing really severe or long-term harassment.

Jobs where it’s normal to move around a lot

In some types of work, changing jobs a lot is normal. This is true in the hospitality sector (like bartending, serving, hosting), in retail jobs, in some kinds of sales and customer support work, and some kinds of personal or homecare support (like PSW or cleaning work).

Usually, these jobs don’t require too much specialized training, there are lots of jobs available, they’re all pretty similar to each other, and often people get new jobs through their friends. That makes it easy to move around.

For people in jobs like that, quitting can be a pretty easy decision. Those people usually quit quickly and don’t say why they’re leaving.

Jobs where you’ve faced really severe or long-term harassment

When they get harassed, most people don’t quit right away. But if the harassment is very severe or goes on for a long time, most people will eventually quit. This is especially true for jobs and workplaces where there’s a lot of harassment, like industries with lots of male customers and clients (like hospitality) or where the workforce is mostly men (like construction or law enforcement or software development). It’s also true for racialized people in majority-white workplaces, and 2SLGBTQIA+ people in workplaces where they’re in the minority.

For people in those jobs, quitting can be a really hard decision. By the time they quit, they are much more likely to tell their employer why they’re leaving (or their employer already knows), and they are much likelier to leave on bad terms.

How to know when to quit

We couldn’t find any studies or surveys that asked people who’d quit due to harassment how they felt about it afterwards. But based on the people we’ve interviewed and stories we’ve read, it seems like most people don’t regret quitting.

Some people, though, do wish they’d quit sooner.

So we think that, if you’re seriously considering quitting your job because of harassment, you should probably go ahead and do it. The question may not really be whether to quit, it’s how to quit in a way that doesn’t mess up your career.

How to quit in a way that protects your career

If you want to quit and quitting is easy, then you should just do it. Find yourself a new job and get out of the old one. Don’t tell people why you’re leaving, just make up an excuse. That way, you can leave on good terms and nobody will gossip about you.

If your situation is more complicated though, then quitting will be more complicated too.

In that case, here’s our advice.

Try not to quit until you have another job lined up

If it’s safe enough, you should try to stick it out until you have a new job. Here’s an article that explains why.

Start job hunting early, before you think you need to

A lot of people don’t start job hunting until they’re already pretty stressed out. You don’t want to job hunt in a rush or while you’re super-stressed. So the minute you start to even consider quitting, that’s when we think you should start looking for a new job.

Be careful what you say about why you’re leaving your current job

It can be tough to know what to say in interviews about why you’re looking for a new job.

Before you accept a new job, evaluate it as though you are not being harassed

A lot of times when people job hunt due to sexual harassment, they end up accepting a new job that’s worse than their old one. It pays less, the benefits are worse, or there are just things about it that suit them less well. Before saying yes to a new job, take some time to consider whether you’d be accepting it if you weren’t being harassed.

Talk with a lawyer before you quit

This is actually really important! If you’re considering quitting your job due to harassment, you may be able to get your employer to pay you money if they didn’t do enough to make the harassment stop, or if they punished you for complaining about it. A lawyer can help you figure this out.

Consider whether you want to leave not just your job, but your entire industry

If you work in a high-harassment industry, you might be just as likely to get harassed in your next job. Once people realize how harassment-heavy their industry is, it’s actually really common for them to decide to completely bail out of it. It’s so common we wrote an entire article about it.

A final note about guilt and shame

When we talked with people and read their stories, we were surprised to find that lots of people who quit seemed to feel guilty about it afterwards. They felt like they should have been “brave,” and “stood up” and “fought back.” They worried that they were cowards, and were letting down other people.

We understand why people might feel that way. But we want to give you a different way to think about it.

The reality is that “standing up” and “fighting back” might be a bad idea. You probably know that instinctively, and also there are literally decades of studies and surveys proving it. Sometimes reporting works out fine for the person who does it. But more often, the person who reports is the one who ends up getting punished. Researchers have been saying for decades that not reporting is a totally rational and sensible decision for most people.

So here’s what we want you to know.

There is no “cowardly” way to respond to sexual harassment.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty or ashamed.

Nobody reasonable thinks you should be a martyr over this. Nobody wants you broke and unemployed.

You have every right to do what’s best for you, and you should feel good about what you do, no matter what it is.

Any choice you make? It’s brave and honourable.

You’ll want to start by finding out whether you have any agreement with your employer that gives you more than the legal minimum time off.

If you’re not unionized, you may have signed an employment contract when you were hired.
If you are unionized, the contract is your collective agreement and you should be able to get a copy from your union or find it on their website.

If there’s an agreement, see what it says about time off. You’re looking for phrases like “sick leave” and “stress leave.”

If you can’t find anything saying you’re entitled to more than the legal minimum, the next step is to figure out what the legal minimum is for you.

Under B.C. employment law, most workers are entitled to five paid sick days a year.
Under Quebec employment law, most workers are entitled to two paid sick days a year.
Under P.E.I. employment law, most workers are entitled to one paid sick day per year.
Under the Canada Labour Code, federally regulated workers are entitled to three paid sick days per year.
Most workers across the country are entitled by law to between three and 12 unpaid sick days per year, depending on where they’re located and how long they have worked for their employer.
None of this applies to people who aren’t legally classified as employees, such as self-employed people, migrant workers, and gig economy workers. They aren’t entitled to anything.

You should also check whether your job provides you with any form of disability insurance. According to a 2018 government study, about 42% of Canadian employees have disability insurance. But employers are not legally obligated to provide it, so yours may not.

You should be able to get your benefits information from HR, the union, or your boss. You don’t need to say why you’re asking for it; it’s normal for workers to want to know it.

Decide what to do

Now you know what you’re entitled to, you can decide whether it covers what you need.

If it doesn’t, your employer may be willing to work with you to give you unpaid leave.

If not, there are other ways you can apply for paid or unpaid leave. But we need to warn you: They’re all going to take a lot of work. They’re all very slow. And you may get turned down. That’s the upshot.

Now we’ll dive into the details.

You can usually take sick leave any time, as long as you tell your boss beforehand. You can’t be fired, penalized, or threatened for taking or planning to take sick leave.
Your employer may require a doctor’s note.
Sick or stress leave maximums are pretty short—the average max is about six days total per year.
If you have access to short-term disability, it generally runs for up to six months and pays a portion of your salary. How much depends on what type of policy your employer has. To qualify, you’ll need a doctor’s statement that you are unable to return to work. Accessing short-term disability is slow and difficult, and your claim may be turned down.
Long-term disability insurance picks up after six months and generally pays 60% to 70% of your former salary. This benefit can extend to retirement age, but only if you are unable to work at any job. Accessing long-term disability insurance will require extensive medical documentation and, again, you may be turned down.
If you don’t have access to short-term or long-term disability, you might consider applying for the Employment Insurance sickness benefit, which provides up to 15 weeks of income. To be eligible, you must have paid EI premiums and worked 600 hours in the past 52 weeks. In 2022, EI sickness benefits paid 55% of earnings up to a maximum of $638 a week. You will need medical proof you can’t work, and your claim may be denied.

The headline here is simple. It’s a good idea to keep notes about what’s happening.

Why? There are lots of situations in which having notes might be helpful for you later:

if you decide to formally report the harassment to your employer
if you decide to take legal action, or to call the police
if you end up in therapy
if you end up going public
if you just want your own private record

You may never use your notes for anything, but it’s a good idea to have them just in case.

Important

If you end up in a legal dispute, the lawyers on the other side may be able to force you to share your notes with them. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s possible. If there’s any chance you might end up in court, it’s best to make the notes knowing that other people may eventually see them. If there’s something you definitely don’t want other people to see, it’s safest not to write it down.

Here’s how to make great documentation.

Write your documentation in whatever way is easiest for you

Some people use their phone or a computer and other people write by hand. It’s probably best to use a device that you own, and to keep your notes somewhere where other people can’t find them.

If you write your notes on a work computer, it’s a good idea to email them to your personal email address. That way you’ll always have a copy, and you’ll be able to prove when the notes were written.

Write down the facts of what happened

For each incident of harassment, write down all the facts you can remember. This is called a log. You’ll want to include:

the date and time
the location
who was present (including any witnesses)
what happened, with as much detail as possible
if you told anyone afterward, and what you both said
if the harasser told anyone afterward, and what they said (if you know)

If you can remember any exact quotes, it’s great to write them down too.

If there’s anything you can’t remember, that’s okay. Partial information is better than no information. Just do the best you can.

Write down how what happened affected you

It’s not always easy to recognize how sexual harassment made you feel. But try to write down the emotions you felt at the time, or afterward.

Were you surprised or shocked?
Did you feel offended, angry, or humiliated?
Did you feel unsafe?
Were you scared you would be punished if you didn’t do what the harasser wanted?

There is no right or wrong emotional reaction. If your feelings don’t match what you’ve seen in the media or what other people seem to expect you to feel, that’s okay. What happened to you is wrong regardless of your emotional reaction.

Write down how what happened affected your ability to do your job

Did you need to spend time trying to make the harassment stop, instead of doing your job?
Did you need to stop working and leave the area to get away from the harasser?
Did you need to take time afterward to calm down?
Did the harasser make it harder for you to do your job, by not co-operating with you or helping you in the way they’re supposed to?
Did you need to spend time afterward trying to figure out how to handle the harassment and what to do next?
Did other people stop co-operating with you or helping you because of the harassment?
Were you humiliated in front of other people, making it harder for you to do your job?
Did your job performance suffer because you were rattled by the harassment?
Did you need to avoid the harasser afterward, making it harder for you to do your work?
Did your job become so unpleasant that you found yourself unable to work as hard or as well as you normally would have?

Write down any other harms you experienced because of the harassment

Was it hard for you to do normal things afterward, like eating or sleeping?
Did you have any physical symptoms of stress, and, if so, what were they?
Did your mental health suffer, and, if so, in what ways?
Did you end up needing to spend money because of the harassment? (Like, if you needed to park somewhere more expensive to feel safe, or spend money on therapy.)
Did your ability to earn money suffer because of the harassment? (Like, if you needed to turn down work, or accept worse shifts.)

Keep copies of any evidence you have

It’s a great idea to keep copies of any evidence you might have. Here are the kinds of things you should be thinking about keeping:

emails
text messages
phone call logs
pictures
original documents

If the harasser has been harassing you by email, keep copies of those emails. If you have emailed with other people about the harassment, keep those too. Do the same with text messages.

If the harasser has been phoning you repeatedly, take screenshots of your phone call log.

If the harasser has been putting up harassing materials in the workplace (porn, signs, or other things), take pictures of them with your phone.

If there are other original documents available to you, like work schedules that show you are being denied shifts, either keep them or take photos of them.

A safety plan might seem unnecessary. But it can really help. It can be hard to think clearly when someone is harassing you, so it’s important to think through what you’ll do beforehand. Even if your plan ends up seeming really basic and obvious, it will help you prepare to handle yourself well.

A safety plan can be essentially whatever you think you may need. It could be a 42-page printed document that you carry around with you. Or it could be just a few steps that you take now to make yourself ready – for example by talking to a few people and putting some numbers into your phone.

Tip

If you want help making a safety plan, call any sexual assault centre. You can find them here.

Tip

If your circumstances at work change in a way that affects your plan, don’t forget to update it.

Things to consider for your plan

Contact information for people you might need to reach quickly, like a boss or supervisor, HR, building security, local police, taxi services, or a friend who lives nearby. Make sure all this information is in your phone.
Contact information for someone who can drop you off or pick you up, so you don’t have to arrive or leave work alone.
Names of people at work you trust, who you can talk with about what’s happening.
A list of tasks that you feel safe completing, so you can volunteer for them when you feel unsafe. Also, a list of tasks that you don’t feel safe completing. For example, you might not be comfortable taking trash outside or being anywhere alone. If you’re asked to do something you don’t feel safe doing, you can be ready to suggest an alternative that does feel safe.
The harasser’s name and what they look like, in case you need to tell security, a friend, or the police. If you have their phone number, put it in your contacts so you know it’s them if they text or call.
What the harasser’s vehicle looks like so you can tell if they follow you home. Write down the make, model, colour, and licence plate.
The safest entrances and exits to your workplace. Learn how to open windows so you can yell for help or escape.
A plan for what you’ll do if the harasser’s behaviours escalate. You might decide to quit your job, call the police, or to talk with your employer.

Other things you can consider to keep yourself safe

Consider talking with the harasser directly.
Consider talking with your employer.
See if you can get your work hours changed so you don’t work at the same time as the harasser, or alone with them.
Avoid socializing with the harasser, especially by yourself and especially if alcohol is involved.
Search your phone’s app store for personal safety apps. They offer a range of functionality to help you stay safe, like fake calls you can schedule to get yourself out of uncomfortable situations, or panic buttons that send your location to friends.
Confide in co-workers you trust so they know what’s going on and can help you, for example by distracting or shutting down the harasser.
Set up code words with friends at work that they can use to warn you if the harasser’s approaching, or that you can use to tell them you need help.
Befriend the security guards at your work. Learn their names and make sure they know yours.
See if you can move to a different work location—for example, to be further away from the harasser or the men’s washroom. Or, move closer to common areas so that you are less likely to be alone.
Keep a journal about the harasser’s behaviours. Write down anything negative that happens. Include dates, times, and the names of co-workers who were present.
Ask your boss to install security cameras and to let everyone at work know they’re there. It’s better for the harasser to know that they will be caught and not harass you at all than for them to be caught in the act.
Keep your phone with you, and keep it charged. If cell reception is terrible, ask for a walkie-talkie that connects you to someone on duty.
Note the nearest exit when you enter a room.
Check bathrooms and elevators before going in.
Ask a security guard to walk you to your car or the transit stop.
If you drive, keep your car doors locked. When you get to your car, only open the driver’s door.
Park in well-lit areas near safe entrances.
Be aware of your mental health, and take steps to keep yourself healthy.
Build a strong support network. Even if you already have a good group of friends and family, it can really help to seek support from professionals and from other people who’ve been harassed.

Important

This is not legal advice! What you are getting here is just general legal information. It is not a substitute for advice from an actual lawyer about your specific situation. If you need legal advice, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

The first thing you need to know is that it’s incredibly common for people who complain about being sexually harassed to be punished for it, both by their employer and their co-workers. If you suspect you’re being punished because you complained, you’re almost certainly correct.

Let’s talk about why punishment happens, and what it looks like.

When you complain about being sexually harassed, you might expect that people would feel sorry for you and want to help you. But that’s not usually what happens. What’s more common, researchers say, is that you end up getting blamed.

This happens because people are misunderstanding the problem. The real problem, of course, is the harassment, which means the person to blame is the harasser. But when a complaint about harassment is made, people start to behave as though the problem is actually the complaint. Which leads them to blame you.

Why does that happen?

Supervisors are often uncomfortable handling sexual harassment complaints, because sexual harassment complaints are legally sensitive and…well, awkward. Lots of times, the person you tell will feel burdened by your report, because it means more work for them, and it’s work that’s unpleasant and difficult.
Sometimes your employer is afraid of the person who harassed you, or is friendly with them, or thinks that person is more valuable to the workplace than you are. If that’s the case, your employer may be mad at you for complaining.
People (especially men) will often sympathize with the harasser, and worry about the harasser’s reputation or ability to make a living. Those people may think it’s reckless or mean for you to complain.
The harasser will often argue that you misunderstood them, or are making a big deal out of nothing. If there are no witnesses (and there usually aren’t), it becomes a “he said, she said” situation. It’s common for people at work to pick sides and argue with each other about what happened. This can be really disruptive, and you may get blamed for that.
People may decide you’re a drama queen, a liar, or have a chip on your shoulder. This is especially likely if you’re racialized, Indigenous, 2SLGBTQIA+, young, or new to your workplace.
It’s pretty common for harassment complaints to result in everybody needing to take sexual harassment training. A lot of people think that’s a waste of time, and will blame you for having to do it.
The longer your complaint process drags on (even if its slowness has nothing to do with you), the likelier it is that people will decide you are impossible to satisfy.
If you are suffering, people may feel guilty about not helping you, and that may make them dislike you.

So what does punishment look like in practice?

Even if you don’t know what is being said about you, even if you don’t know who is saying what, you can feel what is being said in how people react to you, speak to you, address you, in sideways glances, how you are dropped, the invitations you stop receiving, how you are dropped from texts, how they stop referring to your work, how they turn away when you turn up.
Sara Ahmed, Complaint!

It takes many forms. Sometimes it’s really subtle, and sometimes it’s not. Here are some common ways that people get punished:

You get scheduled to work less often, or you get less-good shifts.
People stop doing you favours and treating you well.
You start getting frozen out socially by your co-workers.
People start withholding information from you that you need to do your job.
You start getting told you’re hard to work with.
You get a bad performance evaluation.
You get formally reprimanded or fired.

What to do if you’re being punished

It depends on who’s punishing you.

Punishments by your boss

If you’re being punished by your boss or someone in a position of authority at your workplace, that might legally be considered a reprisal.

A reprisal is a legal term used to describe an action, or threat, that’s meant to punish someone who is standing up for their rights. In the case of sexual harassment, it means that you have complained about the harassment and are being punished because of your complaint.

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be experiencing reprisals:

Have your job duties changed?
Were your performance reviews mostly positive before the harassment and now they’re mostly negative?
Has your rate of pay or hours of work decreased?
Have you been demoted?
Are you being disciplined more than before you complained?
Does your manager or supervisor behave differently toward you?
Are you being denied opportunities, like a promotion or training?
Has a person in authority made comments that made you feel they’re upset you reported?
Have you been disciplined or fired because of your complaint?

In Canada, reprisals are illegal. That’s why it’s important to understand whether you’re experiencing a reprisal or just an ordinary punishment. If your employer fires you because you’re always late, that’s not a reprisal and the law isn’t going to protect you. If an employer fires you because you complained about sexual harassment, that’s a reprisal. It’s illegal, and the law is on your side.

It’s not usually hard to prove that the reprisals happened. What’s hard is to prove that they happened because you complained. If you’re considering making a case that you’re experiencing reprisals, it’s important to gather as much evidence and documentation as you can, linking the punishment to your complaint.

Where to report reprisals

Human rights bodies take cases based on reprisals. So do labour boards and civil courts. If you are unionized and you have started a grievance, the reprisal can be added to the grievance and dealt with at the same time.

If you start experiencing reprisals after you’ve started a case, or even after the case has already been decided, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s too late to include them in your case. Talk with your lawyer, union rep, or union staff right away. They can help you add evidence about the reprisals so that everything gets handled together.

If you haven’t yet started a sexual harassment case or if you told your employer about the harassment and then started being punished, the human rights body is a good place to start.

What else can you do?

If you belong to a union, you can ask it to bring a grievance against your employer.
If you’re not a union member, you can start a civil action against your employer saying you have experienced mental suffering, wrongful dismissal, or constructive dismissal. (Union members can’t start civil suits until after they have gone through the grievance and arbitration process.)
If you are a federally regulated worker the Canada Labour Code applies to your workplaces and reprisal complaints go to the Canadian Industrial Relations Board.
Otherwise, where and how you can appeal reprisals depends on where you live.

Most of these avenues are slow and expensive, and there is no guarantee of success.

Punishments by your co-workers

If you’re being punished by your co-workers, that might or might not be legally considered a reprisal. If a boss or another person with authority over you has some control over the situation, it’s a reprisal. If they don’t, it isn’t.

That doesn’t mean punishment by your co-workers isn’t damaging. It definitely can be. It just means it’s not legally considered a reprisal, which means your employer can’t be held accountable for it.

Here are some common ways in which co-workers punish people:

They leave you out of social gatherings.
They refuse to talk to you.
They talk about you negatively to other people.
They drop you from email or text exchanges.
They don’t help you with work tasks, or they set you up to fail at them.
They don’t help you if you’re in an unsafe situation.
They play abusive pranks on you or tell offensive “jokes” at your expense.
They use slurs to describe you.
They threaten or bully you, verbally or physically.
They damage your personal property.

If it’s bad enough, then your workplace might be what’s called “toxic.” That’s a legal term.

There is no single legal definition of a toxic work environment. But generally it’s considered to be a workplace where there is so much harassment and abuse that a reasonable person would find it intolerable to work there.

It can be hard to tell if your workplace is toxic. There are lots of bad workplaces, but not all of them are toxic.

It’s not necessarily a toxic workplace if:

People don’t like you.
People are rude to you.
People ignore you.
People play a lot of pranks and tell crass jokes.
People make it hard for you to do your job.

But it may be a toxic workplace, especially if:

You are being harassed all the time.
You feel unsafe or threatened.
Any reasonable person would find what’s happening to you intolerable.
Your employer knows about it and doesn’t do anything to stop it.

There’s an important distinction between a workplace that’s “toxic” versus one that’s “poisoned.” In a toxic workplace, you personally are being treated badly. In a poisoned workplace, sexual harassment is not just hurting one or two people but is creating a poisoned environment by sexualizing the workplace for everyone. Everyone is being affected. If you’re trying to prove that you’re experiencing reprisals because you complained about being sexually harassed, you can show evidence that it has become toxic for you or you can also show how it has poisoned the workplace for everyone. Or both.

If this all sounds complicated, it is! That’s why we advise you to get a lawyer if you can.

How and where to get help

Your employer has a legal obligation to provide you with a harassment-free environment. If your workplace is getting toxic to the point where it’s intolerable, there are places you can go for help.

First, you can report it to your employer or union, and remind them of their obligations. If they don’t address the problem, that may violate health and safety laws.
If you belong to a union, you can ask it to bring a grievance against your employer.
You can file a complaint with the Human Rights Tribunal, saying that your employer failed to protect you against harassment, allowing your human rights to be violated. If you have already started a human rights complaint for compensation, you can add the impact of the reprisals to your complaint.
If you’re not a union member, you can start a civil action against your employer saying you have experienced constructive dismissal, because your employer’s failure to protect you against harassment amounts to a fundamental change to your employment agreement. If you are considering this, consult a lawyer first.

Your union represents you and other members by negotiating things like better working conditions with your employer, including freedom from harassment in the workplace. Its duties include helping you protect your rights in the workplace. One of the things it’s supposed to do is make sure that your employer takes steps to keep you safe from workers who have sexually harassed people.

What your union should do for you

Ideally, unions act to give employees more power in the workplace. You should be able to go to your union for help when you report workplace sexual harassment. If it agrees that harassment happened or may have happened, it should support you when dealing with your complaint to your employer.

Unions don’t always back you up, though. That’s because your union’s job is to represent both your interests, and the interests of its other members. When it comes to sexual harassment, those two things can come into conflict. The union is supposed to keep you safe, but also defend the harasser. And so, although your union should help you, you may find it isn’t as helpful as you’d hoped.

Unfortunately, in cases where there is a male-dominated union membership, often with an exclusively male executive, there can be a tendency to focus on representing the interests of a male harasser to the detriment of a female co-worker in the bargaining unit minority.
Susan Hart, associate professor, faculty of business administration, Memorial University.
“Women’s Rights and Labour Arbitration of Co-Worker Sexual Harassment Cases in Canada.”

The union’s main job is to make sure your employer is following the law and the collective agreement when it comes to handling your complaint properly.

The collective agreement will cover all areas of the work relationship. It explains the rights and obligations of your employer, the union, and the union members. Your collective agreement is specific to your union and employer, and may cover things like wages, hours, working conditions, and benefits. Collective agreements sometimes have specific references to harassment and discrimination, although the majority don’t. If yours does, it can give you more information about how your sexual harassment claim will be handled by your union and your employer.

If you don’t have a copy of the agreement, it should be available through a union representative or perhaps online at the union’s website. Sometimes the union and the employer don’t agree on what wording in the collective agreement means, and there may be other documents online that will help interpret it.

No matter what your agreement says, your employer has a legal duty to investigate if you report being harassed. If they refuse, or the investigation isn’t done properly, your union can file a grievance.

Important

The law says that every employer must follow human rights law and health and safety laws, whether the collective agreement says this or not.

How to talk to your union

It’s your union representative’s job to help you understand your collective agreement and what your rights are under it. This person, who may also be called a shop steward, a union steward, or a bargaining unit representative, is who you can ask for help when you are reporting sexual harassment. In general, discussions between you and the union representative are confidential. They should be able to give you information about your options under the collective agreement and what the union can do to help you.

Unfortunately, people who have experienced sexual harassment can feel disconnected from their union representatives and other staff members of the union. Many unions don’t have diverse representation among their staff, especially in leadership positions. As a result, you might find they don’t support you.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your union representative, you can contact your union’s office to see if there is someone else you can talk to. For example, there might also be a women’s caucus, a human rights division, or a labour relations officer who can help with issues like sexual harassment.

Before speaking to your union representative, document everything.

Think about what supports and outcomes you want so you make clear to your union representative what you would like to see happen.

How your union can help you

A good union can help you in a number of ways:

locating witnesses and persuading them to testify
providing evidence of previous incidents of harassment by the harasser
protecting you from retaliation, both from your employer and from other workers, who may be upset that you have complained about a colleague
providing moral support

Important

The union brings the grievance against the employer on your behalf. It is not a complaint against the harasser. Once a grievance is filed, the union may ask your opinion, but it decides whether it wants to settle the grievance, withdraw it, or change it.

What if I don’t want to pursue a grievance?

You might not want your union to launch a grievance. However, if you’re a unionized worker, you have limited legal options outside of the grievance procedure when it comes to making a sexual harassment complaint. Depending on the situation, your union might be able to help you with one or more claims for other legal supports and remedies, including making a workers’ compensation claim.

Other routes, like making a claim at a human rights body, may or may not be possible. Being a unionized worker makes it impossible to sue your employer in civil court. Workplace issues have to go through the collective agreement process and cannot be dealt with in court.

What if my union doesn’t help?

Your union has the legal responsibility to fairly represent you when it comes to issues in your workplace. It is also supposed to treat you in a way that is not discriminatory under human rights laws. In general, your union owes you what’s called a duty of fair representation. This means it isn’t supposed to treat you, or your sexual harassment case, in a way that is arbitrary, discriminatory, or in bad faith.

Each word has a legal definition.

“Arbitrary” behaviour is actions that are “indifferent, unreliable, implausible, or unreasonable.” Unions themselves aren’t responsible for investigating a complaint; that is the employer’s job. But a union must investigate and pursue grievances if your employer fails to explore a harassment complaint or some other violation of a workplace harassment policy or program. If your union meets with your employer and believes the employer’s version of what happened and drops the grievance without giving you a chance to respond to your employer’s report, that would be an arbitrary decision.

“Discriminatory” behaviour involves your being discriminated against for things like your race, sex, gender, or sexual orientation. For example, it would be discriminatory if your union refused to launch a grievance because you are trans. Or if your union treated two similar sexual harassment complaints differently based on the race of the people involved, that would be discriminatory too.

“Bad faith” actions are driven by malice, ill will, dishonesty, and other kinds of improper motivations. If you and your shop steward have a bad relationship and so they don’t respond to your complaint, that’s bad faith.

The complication here is that often the harasser is a co-worker, so the union owes the same duty to that person. Throughout the process, the union must take steps to make sure it isn’t in a conflict of interest while it’s representing both you and the harasser. This means:

The union staff who are helping you shouldn’t have a personal connection to the person who harassed you.
The same union staff shouldn’t be helping both you and the harasser.
The information you give to the union shouldn’t be given to the staff who are helping the harasser, or vice versa.
The union can’t refuse to listen to your problems with your employer’s workplace investigation or refuse to deal with reprisals against you.

But this dual duty of fair representation can be bad news for you because it’s well documented that in grievance processes the interests of harassers often win out over those of people who are being harassed.

Unions have a mixed record when it comes to fighting sexual harassment, especially in cases that involve harassment by union members. Union responses to sexual harassment have been shaped by their position in labor markets that remain highly segmented by gender and race, with male-dominated unions playing a passive role vis-à-vis female targets of sexual harassment, and too often siding with male harassers.
Ana Avendaño, vice-president for labor engagement, United Way Worldwide.
“Sexual Harassment in the Workplace: Where Were the Unions?”

If you believe that you have a breach of duty of fair representation case against your union, a provincial labour relations body may be able to help you, or you may need to hire a lawyer. You may be able to make a claim against your union to a human rights tribunal.

The grievance process

Filing a grievance is normally the first step in the formal grievance process. Your collective agreement may have more information about what to expect. We suggest you look up what the agreement says about how your union’s process works.

Your harasser can’t directly be held responsible for the harassment through the grievance process. This means your union can’t make your employer discipline or fire your harasser. Your union can, however, make the employer responsible for doing a proper investigation into your sexual harassment complaint. Your harasser could be disciplined or fired based on the findings of that investigation.

Your union can’t force you to participate in the grievance process. But it can refuse to deal with your grievance if you don’t participate.

Who’s who

Parties

Each side is called a party. Your union and employer are the parties in the arbitration process.

Grievor

You are the grievor, or the employee the union is representing.

Mediator

The mediator’s job is to try to help your union and your employer reach a settlement, though your union will consult with you and consider the outcome you want from the process.

Arbitrator

The arbitrator is the final decision-maker. They are a neutral third party hired to listen to legal arguments and evidence from the union and the employer at the arbitration stage. During the hearing, the arbitrator may ask the union representative questions and take notes. They’ll be considering all of the evidence, legislation, case law, and arguments that both sides present.

Possible outcomes

The arbitrator may be able to order awards such as:

an alteration in your work location or shift time
a flexible work schedule or a change to your workload. This might be so that you can attend medical and/or legal appointments, take time off, or take a temporary leave of absence. You might also get enhanced security at work, like a security guard walking you to your car
an apology from your employer
certain actions by your employer, like requiring training on understanding and preventing sexual harassment, and learning about equity and anti-oppression in the workplace
an appropriate investigation into your workplace sexual harassment complaint that could involve interviewing you, the harasser, and any witnesses
a revised workplace policy that will prevent the same or similar discriminatory practices from happening again in the future.

The grievance process step-by-step

The process for filing a grievance looks different from union to union. Usually, it starts with you filling out your union’s grievance forms and submitting them to the union representative in charge of receiving grievances. You’ll want to read your collective agreement and speak to your union representative to figure out exactly what steps you need to take and any important deadlines.

What happens after a grievance is filed

Once a grievance is filed, your employer will review it and try to get more information about the facts of the complaint. This may be either an informal or formal process. If the issue is that the employer failed to investigate a sexual harassment complaint, the filing of a grievance may prompt them to carry out an investigation. If the complaint is that the investigation they did do was unreasonable, insufficient, or came to the incorrect conclusion, they may speak to the people who led the investigation. This is because, if they don’t carry out a thorough investigation, any decisions they make as a result may be found to be unfair if challenged by the union in arbitration. As a part of their investigation, they may meet with you and ask questions. Alternatively, they may put questions directly to the union.

Typically, employers are required to provide a “reply” to the grievance, indicating whether they accept or deny it. Denying means they take the position that it did not violate the collective agreement. Acceptance means that they recognize that they have not met their obligations to you and will provide the remedy requested by the union. After the employer’s response is received, it could take weeks or even months before your grievance is dealt with, depending on the size of your workplace and union.

Ideally, the grievance is resolved at this stage. If a resolution doesn’t occur, the grievance might be referred to arbitration, mediation, or some other type of dispute resolution allowed by your collective agreement.

How long does the grievance process take?

The length of time of the grievance process can vary. In general, it might take weeks. While it’s very unlikely you would end up in arbitration, that process could take months or longer. Your collective agreement may provide expected timelines. It’s up to your union to decide how it wants to proceed, including if it wants to mediate at all. Your union will consult with you and consider your views, but it will decide what witnesses will be heard, what evidence will be given and what legal positions will be argued if the process reaches that stage.

Filing a grievance shouldn’t cost you anything. If a grievance is complex, your union may pay a lawyer to handle it.

Mediation

Your collective agreement may say if your grievance can be referred to mediation. Grievance mediation is a confidential and informal way for the union and the employer to try to resolve your issue. The mediator will listen to the union and employer and try to find an agreement that works for both. This is called a settlement.

Unless otherwise noted in your collective agreement, mediation is voluntary—there’s no obligation for either your union or employer to participate or accept any proposed settlement that comes out of the mediation. However, it’s extremely uncommon for sexual harassment cases to go to arbitration.

Your union and employer are the parties to the mediation. You aren’t a party to the mediation and there are no witnesses.

The mediator isn’t making a final decision. Instead, they’re trying to find an agreement that works for both your union and your employer.

Settlement

You might be unhappy with the final settlement. Unfortunately, most settlement agreements contain a clause that says that this will be the only decision and that you will not make any legal claims on the same facts in any other legal forum, like at a human rights tribunal. If you don’t believe your union followed the law in dealing with your case, depending on your situation, you might be able to make a duty of fair representation application or human rights complaint against the union.

Mediation settlements are usually confidential and there’s no public hearing or declaration of wrongdoing. Any settlement will be between your union and employer. Your union might sign a non-disclosure agreement. NDAs or confidentiality agreements are standard in settlement agreements. If there’s a confidentiality clause in the settlement or if your union signs a NDA, it won’t apply to you unless you also agree to sign.

Your employer and union might tell you that you have to sign off on the terms of settlement. Technically, you don’t have to, but you won’t get whatever benefits are included in the settlement unless you do. Also, if you don’t sign, your employer might refuse to settle your grievance. Same thing for your union.

Your union monitors the settlement. It wants to make sure that the employer is sticking to the agreement and that the workplace is now safer for you and for other union members. If any of the settlement terms are not being met, you can report that to your union representative.

Grievance arbitration

While in theory your case could escalate to grievance arbitration, it’s very unlikely that this would happen. The vast majority of cases that reach arbitration involve harassers who have been suspended, fired, or otherwise disciplined by employers. So the employer is the party defending the affected person’s rights while the union is supporting the harasser, to whom it owes a duty of fair representation, in a highly adversarial environment. More than half the time, the harasser wins.

In the limited number of grievance arbitration cases where a sexually harassed person is the grievor, their union is also representing the harasser. The people who have been harassed generally find the situation extremely stressful, as they are aggressively questioned and their integrity doubted.